Hook, take two.

[vg_ford]

So here's my new hook, based on what raleva31 suggested in her crit. What do you guys think?

Sapph Pendragon was one of the top ghostwalkers in the business – a psychic who could literally turn herself into a ghost and walk the borderlands between the Afterlife and Earth. She used her talent to “clean out” haunted houses, sending earthbound spirits on to their heavenly (or hellish) reward. Then business killed four of her closest friends, and Sapph vowed to never use her talent again.

Fast forward four years. One of her former teammates calls in a favor, and Sapph reluctantly dusts off skills she let rust. Unfortunately for her, ghostwalking isn’t something that you can just come back to after a long absence. The Ghostlands are an unforgiving place, and Sapph soon finds herself in over her head, literally and figuratively, as she tries to send the ghosts of Crosley Farms through the Border to whatever Afterlife is waiting for them.

To make matters even worse, this particular set of ghosts have a plan beyond making the new owners of their home miserable. Ellen Crosley wants her life back, and she’s willing to do anything to get it. Including killing anyone in her path. The problem is, in order to live again, Ellen needs a mortal body that can house her dead spirit without burning out. She needs someone who can exist in both the Ghostlands and Earth. Someone that most people think is a myth.

A Daywalker. And it looks like she’s found one in Sapph.

Sapph must learn to use both the Talent she let rust and the Talent she never knew she possessed to defeat Ellen. In an ever-changing landscape of spirits and magic, she must decide which ghosts she can trust – and hope she’s right.

Comments

[irysangel.livejournal.com]

That is an awesome hook...except I don't like the 'Fast Forward Four Years' line, and I don't think you need the very last paragraph. :)

[vg-ford.livejournal.com]

Really? I thought I needed something to tie it all together - unless you think the Daywalker line does that.

[irysangel.livejournal.com]

I think it's the way it's stated more than anything else. The FFF is jarring, and it seems a little slangy.

If it were me, I'd go with 'Years pass, and..."

Or something along those lines. But otherwise this sounds like an awesome book. Is it going to be another DMP book?

[vg-ford.livejournal.com]

Nope. I'm hoping (gulp!) to catch an agent with this one...

[irysangel.livejournal.com]

Well, I know of one you can avoid... ;)

[vg-ford.livejournal.com]

Oh? Email privately, please...I'll be looking for information like that!

[irysangel.livejournal.com]

Well, I was referring to my ex-agent. Heh.

[shanrina.livejournal.com]

I like it. I agree on the "fast forward four years" part, though (too many f's) and on the last paragraph. I also had a split-second moment of confusion when you first mentioned Ellen Crosley's name because for some reason I didn't connect it to Crosley Farms, but that may just be because I'm pretty out of it right now.

[vg-ford.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think the "fast forward" part is getting cut. Thanks for the feedback - this is really helpful!

[peartreealley.livejournal.com]

It seems a little longish... (I was raised in the query school of 100 words or less, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere, so hey :D).

"Fast forward four years," I'd agree with the others. "Four years later."

"dusts off skills she let rust." you've got some odd rhyming there.

"learn to use both the Talent she let rust" is a notable word repeat.

Other than Sapph likes being herself, what are the stakes of Ellen getting a body back? Is she going the Destroy the World? Destroy Sapph's family? The dead should stay dead, but there aren't any specific stakes mentioned.

I nit. But I like your blurb :D

[vg-ford.livejournal.com]

Well, if Ellen succeeds, the World Walls will cut off the Farm from the rest of the planet forever, trapping everyone inside. Guess I should put that in, huh? :)

Thanks for pointing out the rhyming and the word repeat - I hadn't even noticed that! :)

[viverra2.livejournal.com]

Instead of

"She needs someone who can exist in both the Ghostlands and
Earth. Someone that most people think is a myth.

A Daywalker. And it looks like she’s found one in Sapph."

I'd say

"
She needs someone who can exist in both the Ghostlands and
Earth. A Daywalker. Someone that most people think is a myth.

And it looks like she’s found one in Sapph."

Just seems punchier to me, and could end right there.

[vg-ford.livejournal.com]

True. I'll have to work on that.

Thanks!

[merkavah.livejournal.com]

I really like this! Sapph Pendragon is a great name for a character, and this is an exciting premise. Good luck developing this!

[vg-ford.livejournal.com]

Thanks! She hates her name, btw. Then she runs into a character named Michael St. Michael, and well, she can't really complain after that, can she? :p